tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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