I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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