What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
