He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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