Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
