I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
