the condom got lost in my hair
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I think I just sharted jello shots
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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