I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Randomize
