you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
