I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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