Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
