Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
