I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
