Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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