I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
