My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
