i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize
