I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
