You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
