My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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