I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
