Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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