Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
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