my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
