yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
