Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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