Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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