Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
what day is it and did you see me today?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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