You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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