Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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