im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
