Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
