OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
