I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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