I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
