all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
