remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I need to sanitize my soul.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
