what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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