Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I wish there were birth control emojis
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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