Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Randomize
