The maid of honor just puked.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
