Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
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