I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
