if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
