i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
