Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
