When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
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