I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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