when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
