i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
